The Five Stages of Grief: Why Grief Doesn't Follow a Straight Line

From the Counsellor’s Chair

One of the most common misunderstandings about grief is that it happens in stages.

We often hear that someone goes through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as though grief is a psychological checklist. First you experience denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression, and finally acceptance.

But grief doesn't usually work that way.

You can feel acceptance on Monday, anger on Tuesday, completely overwhelmed on Wednesday, and then find yourself feeling relatively okay again on Thursday.

That doesn't mean you're going backwards.

It means you're grieving.

The five stages of grief were developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross originally described these emotional responses in the context of people facing their own terminal illness. Over time, however, the model became widely applied to bereavement and other forms of loss.

And this is where the misunderstanding began.

The five stages were never intended to be a universal, predictable sequence that every grieving person must follow.

The Five Stages

1. Denial

Denial can act as a psychological buffer when something feels too overwhelming to process.

It might sound like:

“This can't actually be happening.”

“I still expect them to walk through the door.”

“The doctors must have made a mistake.”

Denial isn't necessarily someone refusing to accept reality permanently. Sometimes it gives the mind time to absorb information that is emotionally difficult to process.

2. Anger

As reality begins to become more emotionally accessible, anger can emerge.

You might be angry at a doctor, a partner, a family member, yourself, God, the circumstances, or simply the unfairness of what has happened.

Sometimes anger is easier to experience than sadness because anger can make us feel more active and powerful. Grief, by contrast, can make us feel profoundly powerless.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining involves thoughts about what could have been different.

“If only I'd taken them to the doctor sooner.”

“If only I had said something.”

“Maybe if I had done this differently...”

This stage can involve guilt and counterfactual thinking—the tendency to mentally revisit the past and imagine alternative outcomes.

It is an attempt to create some sense of control over something that may have been completely outside our control.

4. Depression

Eventually, the reality of the loss can become much more emotionally present.

This can bring profound sadness, loneliness, withdrawal, exhaustion and a sense that life has fundamentally changed.

Importantly, grief-related depression isn't automatically the same thing as clinical depression.

Grief can involve intense sadness while still allowing moments of connection, pleasure or hope. However, persistent or severe symptoms should still be taken seriously and may warrant professional assessment.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance doesn't mean that you are suddenly okay with what happened.

It means beginning to recognise that the loss has happened and finding a way to live with the reality of it.

Acceptance might look like:

“I wish things had been different, but I know they aren't going to be.”

You can accept a loss and still miss someone terribly.

You can accept what happened and still become angry about it years later.

Grief Isn't a Staircase

One of the most useful ways of thinking about grief is to stop imagining it as five steps leading upwards.

It is much closer to a wave.

You might think you are doing well for several weeks and then suddenly experience an overwhelming emotional reaction because you hear a song, smell a familiar perfume, visit a particular place or reach a birthday or anniversary.

Something can trigger the grief that you thought you had already dealt with.

But you haven't necessarily gone backwards.

You've encountered a new reminder of the loss.

This is sometimes called grief resurgence or a grief wave. The intensity of grief can fluctuate because our relationship with the person, situation or future we have lost continues to change.

The Dual Process Model

Another useful theory comes from researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, who developed the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement.

Rather than suggesting that people move through fixed stages, the model proposes that grieving people naturally move between two broad processes.

Loss-oriented coping

This involves confronting the loss itself: thinking about the person who died, feeling sadness, crying, remembering the relationship, experiencing loneliness, and thinking about what has been lost.

Restoration-oriented coping

This involves dealing with the changes that the loss has created: returning to work, managing finances, taking on new responsibilities, rebuilding routines, socialising, developing a new identity, and finding ways to move forward.

The important part is that people oscillate between these two processes.

You might spend the morning crying about someone you have lost and spend the afternoon dealing with practical responsibilities.

You might have a wonderful evening with friends and then feel guilty because you enjoyed yourself.

You might spend a week feeling relatively functional and then suddenly have a day where the grief feels overwhelming.

This movement isn't necessarily a sign that something is wrong. It can actually be part of how people adapt to loss.

Continuing Bonds: You Don't Have to “Let Go”

Another important development in grief psychology is the idea of continuing bonds.

For a long time, psychological thinking sometimes emphasised the importance of letting go of the person who had died.

More contemporary approaches recognise that people can maintain an ongoing emotional relationship with someone who has died without being unable to move forward.

You might continue talking about them.

You might keep photographs.

You might celebrate their birthday.

You might still ask yourself what they would have thought about an important decision.

You might even feel that their influence continues to shape who you are.

Moving forward doesn't necessarily require leaving the person behind.

Sometimes it means finding a different way of carrying the relationship with you.

Why We Go Backwards

One of the things I often think is important for people to understand is that grief isn't simply about losing someone.

We can also grieve the life we thought we were going to have.

A divorce can involve grieving the future you imagined with your partner.

A diagnosis can involve grieving the version of yourself you believed you would become.

Losing a job can involve grieving security, identity and status.

A relationship ending can involve grieving not only the person, but the plans, routines and future attached to that relationship.

This is why grief can reappear long after we believe we have “finished” grieving.

A new life event can bring an old loss back into focus.

Getting married might make someone think about a parent who isn't there.

Having a child might make someone think about their own childhood.

Moving into a new home might remind someone of a previous life.

Reaching a milestone can remind us of the person we wish was there to experience it with us.

The grief hasn't necessarily returned.

Our relationship with the loss has changed because our circumstances have changed.

There Is No Correct Way to Grieve

Two people can experience the same loss and respond completely differently.

One person might want to talk constantly. Another might need silence.

One might cry frequently. Another might rarely cry.

One might return to work quickly. Another might need considerable time away.

None of these reactions automatically tells us how much someone cared.

Grief is influenced by personality, attachment, previous experiences of loss, social support, circumstances surrounding the loss, culture, spirituality and the relationship we had with what we lost.

There is therefore no universal timetable.

The important question isn't:

“Which stage am I supposed to be in?”

A more useful question is:

“What am I experiencing right now, and what do I need to cope with it?”

That changes the entire conversation.

Instead of judging ourselves because we are angry months after a loss, we can recognise the anger.

Instead of panicking because sadness has returned after a period of feeling better, we can recognise that grief fluctuates.

Instead of believing that acceptance means we should no longer feel pain, we can understand that acceptance and sadness can coexist.

When Grief Becomes Difficult to Manage

Grief itself isn't a mental disorder.

But sometimes grief becomes so intense, persistent or disruptive that additional support is needed.

If someone is struggling to function, becoming increasingly isolated, experiencing persistent hopelessness, or finding that their grief is severely interfering with everyday life, professional support can be valuable.

Counselling isn't about telling someone how long they should grieve.

It is about creating a space where the loss can be understood, processed and integrated into their life.

Sometimes the goal isn't to make the grief disappear.

It is to make it more manageable.

The Takeaway

The five stages of grief can provide a useful language for describing some of the emotional experiences associated with loss.

But they shouldn't be treated as a timetable.

Grief doesn't move neatly from denial to anger to bargaining to depression and finally acceptance.

You can move forwards. You can move backwards. You can experience several emotions simultaneously. You can feel okay one day and devastated the next.

And you can eventually build a meaningful life while still carrying the loss with you.

Grief isn't a staircase that you climb until you reach the top. It's a process of adapting to a life that has changed.

And sometimes, moving forward doesn't mean leaving the past behind.

It means learning how to carry it differently.

Let’s get you back on track!