Grieving the Death of a Parent: Learning to Live With the Loss
From the Counsellor’s Chair
Losing a parent can be one of the most profound losses we experience.
It doesn't matter whether you are 15, 35, 55 or 75.
There can be something deeply unsettling about realising that the person who has been part of your life for so long is no longer there.
A parent can represent much more than a mother or father.
They may be the person who remembers your childhood. The person who knew you before you became the adult you are today. The person you called when you needed advice. The person you argued with. The person you celebrated with. The person whose voice, mannerisms or expressions have been familiar for most of your life.
And when they die, you don't only lose the person.
You lose a piece of the world in which you grew up.
The Loss of a Parent Can Change Your Sense of Identity
Even as adults, our relationship with our parents can remain an important part of our identity.
When a parent dies, you may suddenly find yourself thinking:
“I'm an orphan now.”
Even if you are an adult with children of your own, that realisation can feel surprisingly profound.
You may become more aware of your own mortality. You may start thinking differently about ageing. You may realise that there is now one less generation between you and death.
And sometimes, losing a parent makes you realise that there are questions you can no longer ask.
You may never again be able to phone them and ask:
“What was I like when I was five?”
“What was your life like when you were my age?”
“Why did you make that decision?”
“What was my grandfather really like?”
Those questions can become part of the grief.
You're Not Only Grieving the Person
One of the most important things to understand about parental bereavement is that you may be grieving several things simultaneously.
You may be grieving:
- Your mother or father
- Your childhood
- Your family structure
- Your sense of security
- Your relationship with your parent
- The person you were when they were alive
- The future you expected to have with them
- Future milestones they will never see
- The possibility of resolving old conflicts
- The opportunity to ask questions you never asked
This is particularly important when the relationship was complicated.
Not every parent-child relationship is close.
Some people lose a parent and experience overwhelming sadness. Others experience sadness mixed with anger. Some feel relief. Some feel guilt because they don't feel as devastated as they expected.
And some grieve the parent they wished they had, rather than simply the parent they actually had.
All of these experiences can exist within grief.
What If Your Relationship With Your Parent Was Complicated?
This is something that isn't discussed enough.
Society often tells us that we should feel uncomplicated love for our parents. But real relationships aren't always uncomplicated.
Perhaps your parent was emotionally distant. Perhaps you argued frequently. Perhaps there were things they did that hurt you. Perhaps you were estranged. Perhaps you had reconciled shortly before their death. Or perhaps you never had the opportunity to repair the relationship.
When that parent dies, you may be grieving both the relationship you had and the relationship you wished you could have had.
That can make grief particularly complicated.
You may think:
“I miss them, but I'm still angry.”
“I loved them, but they hurt me.”
“I wish we'd had more time.”
You don't have to resolve all of those contradictions before you are allowed to grieve.
Two conflicting emotions can both be true.
The Pain of Future Milestones
One of the hardest aspects of losing a parent is knowing that they won't be present for future moments.
Your wedding. The birth of a child. Your child's graduation. A birthday. A career achievement. Buying your first home. Retirement. A family celebration.
Sometimes you may achieve something wonderful and immediately think:
“I wish Mom was here.”
Or:
“Dad would have been so proud of this.”
These moments can bring grief back unexpectedly.
This doesn't mean that you haven't healed. It means that the meaning of the loss changes as your life continues.
Grief Doesn't Follow a Straight Line
You may have a week where you feel relatively okay.
Then something happens.
You hear their favourite song. You smell something they used to cook. You find an old photograph. You walk into their house. You see someone who looks like them.
And suddenly the grief is overwhelming again.
This can be frightening. You may think:
“I thought I was getting better.”
But grief doesn't necessarily move in a straight line.
You can move forward and still have moments where you feel as though you've gone backwards.
The intensity may change over time, but grief can continue to surface as your life changes.
How Can You Mourn the Death of a Parent?
There isn't one correct way to mourn. The goal isn't to find a formula that makes the grief disappear. It is to find ways of acknowledging the loss while gradually adapting to life without the person.
1. Talk About Them
Say their name. Tell stories. Talk about their personality. Talk about the things that made them laugh. Talk about their strange habits. Talk about what they taught you.
Don't allow their death to become the only thing you remember about them.
They lived a life before they died. Remembering that life can be an important part of mourning.
2. Keep Their Stories Alive
Parents often carry family history that disappears with them.
Write down the stories you remember. Ask siblings or relatives to share their memories. Look through old photographs. Record family stories.
You may discover things about your parent that you never knew. And future generations may one day be grateful that those memories were preserved.
3. Keep Meaningful Traditions
Perhaps your father always made a particular meal. Maybe your mother had a tradition on birthdays. Maybe there was a place you visited together every year.
You can continue those traditions.
You don't have to reproduce the past exactly. Sometimes keeping one small tradition can create a sense of continuity.
4. Write Them a Letter
There may be things you never got to say.
“Thank you.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I'm angry.”
“I miss you.”
“I wish you were here.”
“I never told you how much you meant to me.”
Write it down.
You don't need to show anyone. The purpose isn't to communicate with the deceased. It is to give your emotions somewhere to go.
5. Create a Memorial
Some people find comfort in creating something tangible.
You could plant a tree, create a photo album, frame a photograph, keep a memory box, cook their favourite meal, visit a meaningful place, donate to a cause they cared about, or create a yearly remembrance ritual.
These actions don't keep you trapped in grief. They can help you give the relationship a continuing place in your life.
Continuing Bonds: You Don't Have to “Let Go”
There is an important concept in contemporary grief psychology called continuing bonds.
The idea is that healing doesn't necessarily require you to sever your emotional connection with someone who has died.
You can continue to carry aspects of your parent with you.
Perhaps you hear yourself using one of their expressions.
Perhaps you make decisions by asking:
“What would Dad have said?”
Perhaps you cook something your mother taught you.
Perhaps you tell your children stories about their grandparent.
The relationship has changed. But it doesn't necessarily disappear.
You don't have to let go of your parent to move forward with your life.
Give Yourself Permission to Have Good Days
This can be surprisingly difficult.
You may laugh with your family and then suddenly feel guilty. You may go on holiday and realise that you are enjoying yourself. You may achieve something you've worked towards for years.
And then you remember:
“They're not here to see this.”
It is okay to experience happiness.
Your sadness isn't proof of how much you loved your parent.
You don't honour someone by remaining miserable.
You honour them by continuing to live.
My Counselling Approach
When working with someone who is grieving the death of a parent, I don't believe counselling should be about trying to rush them through the grieving process.
There is no prize for recovering quickly.
My approach is to provide a safe, non-judgemental space where someone can talk honestly about the loss.
That may involve sadness. But it can also involve anger, guilt, regret, relief, resentment, confusion or even numbness.
I don't believe people should be told what they should feel. Instead, counselling can help them understand what they are actually feeling.
We can work through guilt.
Perhaps you wish you had visited more. Perhaps you regret something you said. Perhaps you were not there when they died. Perhaps you were estranged.
We can explore those feelings without automatically accepting the conclusion that you are responsible for everything that happened.
We can work through unfinished business.
Sometimes the most painful part of losing a parent is everything that was never said.
Counselling can provide space to explore those unresolved feelings.
We can make room for complicated relationships.
You can love your parent and still be angry with them.
You can miss them and still recognise the ways they hurt you.
You can mourn the parent you had while also mourning the parent you wished you had.
We can help you adapt to the life that comes next.
The goal isn't to erase the relationship. It is to help you find a way to live with the loss while continuing to build your own life.
You Don't Have to Grieve Alone
Sometimes people withdraw because they don't want to burden their family.
They may think:
“Everyone else is grieving too. I need to be strong.”
But being strong doesn't mean pretending you aren't hurting.
Talk to your siblings. Talk to your partner. Talk to friends. Share memories. Allow other people to support you.
And if the grief becomes overwhelming, professional counselling can provide another space to work through it.
When Grief Becomes Difficult to Manage
Grief itself isn't a disorder.
But sometimes the impact of a loss becomes so intense or persistent that additional support is needed.
If you are struggling to function, becoming increasingly isolated, experiencing persistent hopelessness, or finding that the grief is severely interfering with everyday life, consider speaking to a mental-health professional.
You don't have to wait until you reach breaking point.
Counselling can be useful simply because you want somewhere safe to talk.
The Takeaway
Losing a parent changes something fundamental.
It can change your family. It can change your identity. It can change how you think about your own future. And it can make you realise just how much of your life was connected to one person.
But grieving your parent doesn't mean that you have to stop living.
You can continue their traditions. Tell their stories. Keep their photographs. Carry their values. Remember their voice.
And perhaps, years later, catch yourself doing something exactly the way they taught you.
That can be painful. But it can also be beautiful.
Because although your parent is no longer physically present, the relationship you had with them can continue to influence the person you become.
You don't have to forget them. You don't have to stop missing them. You simply have to learn how to carry the relationship differently.
Let’s get you back on track!
Centred Counselling & Mediation
Byron Werbeloff
Specialist Wellness Counsellor & Mediator
If you are struggling with the death of a parent, counselling can provide a safe and non-judgemental space to process your grief, work through complicated emotions and begin adjusting to life after loss.
Centred Counselling & Mediation
1332 Naivasha Road, Sunninghill, Sandton, 2191
084 485 3541
In-person sessions in Sunninghill and online sessions available.
Centred Counselling & Mediation — helping you find your way forward through life's difficult transitions.
