When Someone You Love Dies by Suicide: Understanding the Grief and Finding a Way Forward
From the Counsellor’s Chair
There are few experiences more painful than losing someone you love.
But when that person dies by suicide, the grief can become particularly complicated.
You aren't only mourning the person you loved. You may also be left with questions that don't have clear answers.
Why did this happen? Could I have done something? Did they know how much I loved them? Why didn't they tell me? Was there something I missed?
And sometimes, underneath all of those questions, there is guilt.
“I should have called.” “I should have noticed.” “I should have done more.”
These thoughts can become incredibly painful because, unlike many other forms of bereavement, suicide can leave family members searching for an explanation that may never fully come.
The first thing I want people to understand is this: You can mourn someone who died by suicide without having to understand every reason why it happened.
And you can love them without taking responsibility for their death.
Grief following suicide can contain many emotions at the same time.
You might feel devastated, angry, guilty, confused, abandoned, relieved that someone is no longer suffering, or even ashamed of feeling any of these things.
You may experience all of them in the same week. Sometimes in the same day.
There can also be a traumatic component to the loss, particularly when someone was directly involved in discovering the death or dealing with the immediate aftermath.
This means that suicide bereavement isn't simply about sadness. It can involve grief, trauma, unanswered questions, guilt and a profound change in the family system.
That is why telling someone to simply “move on” is particularly unhelpful. There is nothing simple about this kind of loss.
Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of suicide bereavement is the search for an explanation.
The human mind doesn't like unanswered questions. When something devastating happens, we naturally try to construct a narrative that makes sense of it.
We replay conversations. We remember things the person said. We look for warning signs. We wonder whether a particular event triggered what happened. We go through old messages. We think about conversations we had weeks, months or even years earlier.
This is an understandable attempt to regain a sense of control.
But there is a difficult reality that families sometimes have to confront: You may never know exactly why someone made the decision they made.
And not knowing doesn't mean you failed them.
A person's decision to die by suicide can emerge from a complex interaction of psychological distress, circumstances, relationships, mental health difficulties, hopelessness, impulsivity and other factors. There is rarely one simple explanation.
This is one of the most painful thoughts that can follow suicide.
“How did I not know?”
The problem is that hindsight changes the way we interpret the past.
Once we know what happened, previously ordinary conversations can suddenly appear significant. A goodbye can seem like a warning. A quiet day can seem like a sign. Something someone said months earlier can suddenly feel like evidence.
But you didn't have the information you have now. You were living through those moments without knowing how the story would end.
It is important to distinguish between what you know now and what you reasonably could have known then.
Your mind may continue searching for the moment when you could have changed the outcome. That doesn't mean such a moment existed.
There can be enormous guilt around feeling angry at someone who has died.
You might think: “How could they do this to us?” “How could they leave their children?” “How could they leave me?”
You might feel angry with them for the pain they have caused. You might feel angry at yourself. You might even feel angry at the world.
These emotions don't mean that you didn't love them.
Love and anger can exist together. So can grief and relief. So can compassion and resentment.
Grief isn't emotionally tidy. You don't have to choose one emotion and reject the others.
Mourning is more than crying.
Mourning is the process through which we begin to acknowledge the reality of the loss and find a way to incorporate it into our lives.
There is no single correct way to mourn. But there are several things that can help.
Don't allow the manner of their death to become the only thing remembered about them. They were a person before they died. They had a personality, relationships, things they loved, memories, and experiences that mattered.
Talk about who they were, not only how they died. Their death is part of their story. It doesn't have to become their entire story.
Sometimes families become uncomfortable talking about someone after a suicide. People don't know what to say. They worry about upsetting one another. Eventually, nobody mentions the person.
But silence can create another kind of loss.
Say their name. Tell stories. Look at photographs. Remember birthdays. Talk about the good memories. Talk about the difficult memories too. You don't have to pretend that the relationship was perfect. You are allowed to remember the whole person.
A ritual can give grief somewhere to go.
You might light a candle on their birthday, visit a meaningful place, create a memory box, plant a tree, make a photo album, write them a letter, cook their favourite meal, donate to a cause that mattered to them, or gather family members to share memories.
The purpose isn't to keep yourself trapped in the past. It is to acknowledge that this person mattered.
There may be things you wish you had said: “I love you.” “I'm sorry.” “I'm angry.” “I wish I had known.” “I miss you.”
Writing a letter can provide a private space for those emotions. You don't need to send it anywhere. The purpose is expression, not communication.
You may laugh and then suddenly feel guilty. You might enjoy yourself and think: “How can I be happy when they're gone?”
But experiencing happiness doesn't mean you have stopped caring.
You are allowed to live. You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to make plans. You are allowed to experience happiness.
None of those things erase the person you lost.
When working with someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, I don't believe counselling should be about trying to make the grief disappear.
There is nothing wrong with someone for grieving.
My approach is to create a safe, non-judgemental space where the person can talk openly about what happened and what they are experiencing.
That can include emotions that people may feel uncomfortable admitting to anyone else: anger, guilt, relief, resentment, confusion and sadness. Even moments where they feel nothing at all.
The goal isn't to tell someone what they should feel. It is to help them understand what they are feeling.
Together, we can examine thoughts such as: “I should have known.” “I could have stopped it.” “It was my fault.”
Rather than simply telling someone not to feel guilty, counselling can help unpack where that guilt comes from and distinguish realistic responsibility from hindsight and imagined responsibility.
Some questions may never have an answer. Counselling can help someone tolerate that uncertainty without allowing it to consume their life.
The person who died was more than the circumstances of their death. We can talk about the relationship you had with them—the good, the difficult, the complicated and the meaningful.
If the death has left intrusive memories, anxiety, avoidance or other trauma-related responses, these can also become part of the counselling conversation.
The aim is not to force someone to “get over” what happened. It is to help them gradually feel safer in their own life again.
You don't have to immediately forgive the person who died. You don't even have to know whether you are angry with them.
If part of you feels abandoned, that's something you are allowed to explore.
If part of you feels compassion for what they may have been experiencing, that's okay too.
If you love them and are angry with them at the same time, that's okay.
Grief doesn't require you to produce a morally perfect response to an incredibly painful situation. It requires honesty.
Families sometimes fear judgement. They worry about what other people will think. They worry about children knowing. They worry about questions from friends, colleagues or extended family.
Every family will make different decisions about privacy, particularly when children are involved. But secrecy can sometimes create additional shame and isolation.
There is a difference between privacy and shame.
You don't owe everyone an explanation. But you also don't have to behave as though the person never existed.
Their death can be acknowledged with dignity without discussing private details.
Recovery from suicide bereavement doesn't mean reaching a point where you never think about the person again.
It may mean that you can think about them without the same overwhelming intensity. It may mean that you can remember the good things without immediately being consumed by the circumstances of their death.
It may mean that you can talk about them without falling apart. It may mean that you can eventually have a good day without feeling guilty.
And sometimes recovery simply means learning to carry the unanswered questions without allowing them to control the rest of your life.
You don't have to forget someone to heal from losing them.
Sometimes grief becomes more than you can comfortably manage on your own.
If you are experiencing persistent hopelessness, severe anxiety, significant difficulties functioning, overwhelming guilt, trauma symptoms, or thoughts of harming yourself, professional support is important.
And if you are personally experiencing thoughts of suicide or feel that you may be in immediate danger, seek urgent help from emergency services or a crisis service and stay with someone you trust rather than facing that moment alone.
Supporting someone else through suicide bereavement can also be exhausting. You don't have to carry everything by yourself.
Losing a loved one to suicide can leave you with grief that feels different from any other loss.
There may be sadness. There may be anger. There may be guilt. There may be questions that never receive satisfying answers. And there may be days when you feel completely lost.
But you are not required to solve the circumstances of their death in order to mourn the person you loved.
You can remember them without taking responsibility for their death.
You can be angry and still love them.
You can experience happiness and still miss them.
And eventually, you can begin building a meaningful life that includes their memory rather than being defined entirely by their loss.
The person you lost will always be part of your story. But their death does not have to become the end of yours.
Byron Werbeloff
Specialist Wellness Counsellor & Mediator
If you have lost someone to suicide and are struggling with grief, guilt, anger, trauma or the unanswered questions surrounding their death, counselling can provide a safe and non-judgemental space to work through the loss.
Centred Counselling & Mediation
1332 Naivasha Road, Sunninghill, Sandton, 2191
084 485 3541
www.centredcounselling.co.za
In-person sessions in Sunninghill and online sessions available.
Centred Counselling & Mediation — helping you find your way forward through life's difficult transitions.